How can children succeed in life if they don’t see you succeed? That’s a question every parent needs to ask—especially as it relates to their marriage. Raising great children is much more likely if you have also built a healthy marriage.

Here are three principles I believe can lead to success as you raise your kids.

First, your marriage should precede your children in priority. Have you ever heard a married person say, “Nothing is more important to me than my children?” I hear people say that pretty often, and I think these parents—though well-meaning—need to shift the order of their priorities. Your first priority is God. Period. Your second priority should be your marriage. Your children come third.

Happiness and security in a marriage are essential for raising healthy, responsible children. When your child sees that you are happy and secure, it makes him or her happy and secure.

Why? Because children see everything. They pick up tension in your relationship, even if you’re not fighting in front of them. They internalize that tension, which can damage their physical health and their psychological well-being. Get your marriage on track first.

Secondly, you have to be unified in parenting. Jesus said a house divided against itself can’t stand, which means you and your spouse must present a united front in raising your kids. You don’t have to agree on everything, but don’t disagree in front of the kids. Dad can’t say one thing while Mom says another.

This means you must discipline in the same ways. You both need to show the same amount of affection and concern. And should you reach an impasse on decision-making or parenting styles, don’t hesitate to go outside your marriage to get help.

Finally, understand that parenting requires faith. This means faithfulness to God and trusting His promises.

Proverbs 22:6 tells parents, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” This is a powerful promise. God says that if we “train up” our children correctly, when they are mature they won’t depart from the way we have trained them.

We have to trust Him that this will be true. We also have to know that training doesn’t mean talking. It means showing. We train our children by the way we live our lives. It’s the full process of transferring values, character, spirituality, and purpose. You can’t talk your way through this process. You have to live it.

Our children learn to respond to certain situations, to deal with pressure, to love their spouses by watching us.

Prioritize your marriage. Present a united front. Train up your children by doing the right thing, and trust God that they will follow your example. You may encounter challenges along the way, but that’s how you raise successful kids.

Raising kids is a blessing and a privilege, but it can take a HUGE toll on our marriage if we aren’t careful. We must resist the status quo of putting our marriage “on hold” or on “autopilot” while raising our kids. It simply doesn’t work, and here’s why.

When we stop pursuing each other during the childrearing years, the romance slowly begins to die. My husband and I have counseled couples who did this and decided to separate or even divorce simply because they “fell out of love” with one another. This breaks my heart. When I sat and listened to their stories, I realized that these couples all had one thing in common. Each couple had never taken any time away from their kids.

No dates. No nights away. No vacation sans kiddos.

As parents, we want to do everything possible to take great care of our children. Putting them first seems like a valiant thing to do, but its NOT. The very best gift we can give our kids is them seeing and knowing that their parents have a healthy, happy, and loving marriage that they can look to as a good example.

We must prioritize our spouse and marriage before our kids to cultivate and maintain a good marriage. We can do this AND make sure all of our child’s needs are met. This isn’t an “either/or” kind of decision. As parents, we foster emotional stability and the feeling of safety within the hearts of our children when they KNOW their parents are prioritizing their marriage.

There are many ways we can nourish our marriage daily–talking to each other regularly, showing affection, listening intently to one another, leaving each other love notes, putting the kids to bed early to have some alone-time before bed, etc.–but it is extremely important for couples to spend time together AWAY FROM THE KIDS and here’s why:

1. TIME AWAY FROM THE KIDS HELPS US TO REMEMBER WHY WE FELL IN LOVE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

When my husband, Dave, and I go on a date, I honestly don’t care how snazzy it is. I just want to spend time together…talking, laughing, and reminiscing. We try to go on a date night once a week or at least twice a month. When we go long periods of time without doing this, I can feel it. I become hyper-focused on the kids and a bit resentful of Dave and what he is or isn’t doing right, in my eyes. We talk to each other every day, but its hard to have a focused conversation with four little boys vying for our attention. Our marriage is so much better when we are “just us” for couple hours a week.

2. SPENDING TIME AWAY FROM THE KIDS SENDS THE MESSAGE TO OUR CHILDREN THAT OUR MARRIAGE IS IMPORTANT.

Kids need to know that they aren’t the center of the universe. This may sound harsh, but I know too many physically and mentally adept adults who still expect their parents to provide all their needs because they tragically never learned this life lesson. I don’t want us to make the same mistake. Children need to know that Mommy and Daddy want to spend time together regularly because they love one another. Every time we go on a date or take a little time away for ourselves, we are teaching our children that we value our spouse and our marriage.

3. WE NEED THE TIME AWAY TO GROW IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Some of you are reading this blog and thinking, “Must be nice! We would go on dates or short trips together if we had the time and money, but we have other needs that come first.”. Friends, I’ve been there. I get it. Life is expensive, and there’s simply not enough time in the day. But, please hear me out. Is your marriage important enough to make the sacrifice? I sure hope your answer is a resounding “Yes!”. It might take some creative time management and serious budgeting, but I promise that you will never regret taking time away from your kids to work on your marriage. It is like a breath of fresh air to your relationship and family.

4. MAKING THE EFFORT TO SPEND TIME ALONE TOGETHER LETS OUR SPOUSE KNOW THAT WE LOVE BEING WITH HIM/HER.

The more effort we make to spend time alone with each other, the more it shows that we actually ENJOY being together. Sadly, there are many couples who would rather do anything than spend time with each other. This isn’t an accident. If we stop pursuing one another and stop spending time alone together, then we become more like roommates and less like lovers. We get to the point where it’s awkward to be around each other, and we feel insecure about what to do or say. Don’t let this happen, Friends. We must fight for our marriages, and getting time away together is ESSENTIAL to keeping our marriages strong.

A couple of years ago, Karen started accusing me of something. I was walking through our bedroom and Karen looked up at me and said, “you pulled the covers last night and you actually pull them a lot.” She was accusing me of being a cover puller. To me, cover pullers are on the same list as murderers and thieves, so without hesitation I said, “no I’m not, and I am not responsible for what I’m doing when I am unconscious.”

I was put out by Karen’s accusation, but decided to move on and forgive her. Not long after this, we had one of our worst nights of cover pulling wars. Even though I was only half conscious I remember thinking, “Karen has been blaming me for being a cover puller when it’s been her all along.” When I started to confront her about this the next morning, I noticed that there was a pile of covers by my side of the bed. The proof was right there: I was a cover puller.

I’m writing today, not about cover pulling, but about a dynamic in marriage called autopilot. This happens when we get comfortable in a relationship and begin to take our focus off our marriage and place it on other things. The instant you hit the autopilot button, your marriage is in danger. Here are three harmful effects of remaining on autopilot for long periods of time in your marriage:

• You lose the skills of flying.

You may be surprised to learn that many commercial pilots with thousands of hours of flying experience do not know how to fly very well because they have relied on the autopilot feature for so long. The skills that suffer in our relationships are sensitivity and empathy. Did you notice my first response when Karen brought the cover pulling to my attention? I automatically denied it and said that I could not be held responsible for what I was doing when I was unconscious. Well in marriage, we really should not ever be unconscious. I was not concerned with her experience or how she was sleeping. This worried me, because I knew I had started to go into autopilot in this area of our relationship. I decided to do two things about my cover pulling: to roll toward Karen instead of away from her and to push the covers her way instead of pulling them towards me.

• You become easily distracted.

When you’re newly married, you’re highly focused on your spouse. There are couples who have been married one year with better relationships than couples who have been married for forty years, simply because they are proactive in making sure their spouses needs are being met. When you have been married for a while, your focus shifts to other things and you can even become defensive or annoyed when your spouse shares their needs. We cannot let the career goals, hobbies, outside friendships, or children distract us from engaging with our spouse.

• You endanger the lives of those on board.

Think about how you would feel if you were a passenger on the plane and the pilots clicked on the autopilot feature and came out of the cockpit to hang out with you? This is how our children feel when we have gone on autopilot in our marriages. They sense that we are not in control, and we are unknowingly placing them in harm’s way. When we prioritize our marriage, we are actually protecting our children.

I want everyone reading this to turn off autopilot right now. Outside of Jesus Christ, our spouse has to be the number one focus of our lives. The truth about the flight of marriage is that no marriage can fly itself; it requires the input of two engaged human beings.

Intimacy means closeness on the inside, not just on the outside. If you’re going to have true closeness in your marriage, you have to be able to know each other and have unhindered access without fear.

I think of intimacy in terms of the acronym INVEST: Intimacy Necessitates Value, Energy, Sacrifice, and Trust.

Value is essential to intimacy.
It says, “I value your thoughts. The things that are important to you are also important to me.” I once counseled a man who was constantly belittling his wife by telling her she was “goofy.” The things she loved? “Goofy.” Her feelings and emotions? “Goofy.”

Their three sons picked up on this, and they began treating her the same. Everyone in the family was condescending to her. The husband wondered why the wife never wanted to have sex. If you don’t value your spouse—what she says, what she thinks, what she does—don’t expect there to be any intimacy in your marriage.

Energy is essential to intimacy.
It says, “I will work hard to listen and understand what you’re saying, because I know we are different and come from different perspectives.”

This means really applying yourself when your spouse is sharing with you. Even though you might not see things the same way, don’t roll your eyes. Don’t fall asleep. Don’t interrupt. Seek to understand. Work at it.

Sacrifice is essential to intimacy.
It says, “I am going to give up my need to be right or to be judgmental.” Some people seem to have the need to always be right, but that reminds me of an old saying: You can either be right or be happy.

If you are one of those people who is never at a loss for words, then there will be times you have to sacrifice your need to respond. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue and compromise. Sometimes you must withhold judgment. Even if you’re right.

Finally, trust is essential to intimacy.
It says, “I will be my spouse’s safe place.” You have to create a consistent, caring atmosphere in your marriage, where each of you are free to share any thought.

When something fantastic happens or when something really terrible happens, you always tell the safest person first. In my marriage, I was not the safest person. Karen never shared anything with me in the first several years of our marriage. She didn’t trust me. I hadn’t earned that trust.

It was only after I hung up my golf clubs and began to take care of Karen and meet her needs that she opened up to me.

In Genesis 2:25, the Bible says the man and his wife were both naked and unashamed. That’s intimacy. It will only happen in an atmosphere of purity, where you take responsibility for your mistakes and your spouse feels safe.

Sexual intimacy is a vital part of marriage, but so is mental and emotional intimacy. When you’re sharing with each other, you don’t want to be judged, scolded, or shamed. You just want your spouse to say, “Yes, I understand.”

This intimacy requires value, energy, sacrifice, and trust.

Few things in a marriage are as important as spiritual intimacy between a husband and wife. Spiritual intimacy is a sense of unity and mutual commitment to God’s purpose for our lives and marriage, along with a respect for the special dreams of each other’s hearts. It’s the greatest depth of intimacy we experience in marriage.

It’s helpful to view intimacy in terms of the acronym INVEST: Intimacy Necessitates Value, Energy, Sacrifice, and Trust.

VALUE IS ESSENTIAL TO SPIRITUAL INTIMACY.

This means we value God’s purpose for our spouse’s life and the dreams of their heart. Contrary to what some chauvinists may believe, a marriage is not considered godly if one spouse is more important than the other. A godly marriage happens when two people who are created in God’s image join together to help each other fulfill God’s calls on their lives. When you value each other spiritually, you partner with God to help your spouse reach their spiritual potential.

ENERGY IS ESSENTIAL TO SPIRITUAL INTIMACY.

This means committing to pursuing God as individuals and together as a couple. This means putting in the spiritual work. Pray together. Invite God into your circumstances. Few things are more powerful than a man and woman holding hands, praying for their children, their jobs, their finances, and their lives together. Apply energy to your spiritual life. Pray together, worship together, and seek God together.

SACRIFICE IS ESSENTIAL TO SPIRITUAL INTIMACY.

This means sacrificing the desire to only promote yourself or worry about yourself. In other words, you give of yourself on behalf of the other. Both men and women have a natural selfishness. Without God’s help, we will only care about ourselves. Spiritual intimacy will not occur unless we both put our own needs behind meeting the needs of our spouse. The ideal marriage is two servants in love.

FINALLY, TRUST IS ESSENTIAL TO SPIRITUAL INTIMACY.

This means creating an atmosphere where you can share your deepest spiritual desires and dreams—and so can your spouse. Once you’ve shared your dreams, your spouse must honor them, respect them, and treat them carefully. Research has shown that the deepest fights in a relationship occur on a “dream level”—what our hearts long for the most.

In our marriage, Karen dreamed of financial security. Because I didn’t value our finances in the same way she did, I ended up becoming her dream-breaker. I didn’t respect the things that she felt deep within her heart. It hurt our marriage and inhibited our spiritual intimacy.

Your spouse’s deepest longing may have to do with minimizing stress, raising children, or keeping a simple, well-kept home. Do not disrespect or damage your spouse’s dream! If you’re going to have spiritual intimacy in your marriage, you must INVEST in it. Value God’s purpose for your spouse, pursue God together, sacrifice your own needs and desires, and create a safe atmosphere where you can help your husband or wife fulfill their dreams.